In 2001, I wrote the first line.
“She’s trouble.” Mary snipped. “Keeping her here is a mistake.”
It was simple. It flowed through me. It flowed from me. That first line. And in all its simplicity, it changed my life forever. The story bloomed. It evolved. It took root in my soul, and it changed me. As it changed me, I changed it. We grew together. The story was living, breathing, I had very little control over it but it controlled me. It determined when I would add to it, when I would change it, when I got to sleep, if I ate, what I dreamt about... it even held power over its own ending.
It became my outlet. My escape. My way of dealing with life when life was just too fucking much. When I found out my mom wasn’t my birth mom from medical records, I worked through it by making one of my characters go through a life altering discovery about her family. When I was raped by an ex boyfriend, I made one of my characters go through a similar betrayal, and chased away my demons by being someone else on paper who I felt was stronger. Better equipped to cope. I created the changes I needed but felt I would never have. I made characters who were more adaptable than I felt I could ever be. When I was powerless, I could hand myself over to my characters and not feel helpless. Hope lived for me in those Word documents, light in even the darkest places and worse situations.
Since 2001, Shattered Lives has been my world. I got to control who saw my world and when. Of the people who were allowed to read my world, some couldn’t stomach it because of the triggers. Others were drawn in, and I know at least one who has read it repeatedly. Over the years they’ve encouraged me to publish, and I toyed with the idea. In February of this year, a friend with editorial and marketing talents read the first 17 chapters, and offered to act as my literary agent.
So… I’m under contract. I have purchased domains that will soon be websites, and I have set up Instagram, Facebook, Goodread, and Twitter accounts under my pen name Subject BGD.
Later this year, On Fractured Ground will be published as an ebook and the first installment of the Shattered Lives series. My world. My escape. My hope. My LIFE. It’s going to be out there for others to consume. I didn’t expect this to feel so… personal. It’s kind of scary. But it’s exhilarating, too. I hope others find the strength I did in its pages. Because in many ways this world has saved my life.